More

More.

More unrestrained humming

More love making

More sensual sensitivity

More heart coherence

More visceral grunting

More elated grasping

More long long sighing exhales

More wild play

More rhythmic pendulation

More.

Lean into More. And be prepared to be astonished, More.

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

Pendulation - the natural rhythm of movement between constriction and release inherent to all physical systems

Note For The Road

A prayer.

This prayer was given to me by a fellow peregrino, ‘pilgrim’ on my walk along the Camino de Santiago in 2015.

He sang it to me, line by line in Spanish and patiently listened as I repeated the lines back.

We walked in prayer until I could sing it on my own.

I revisit this prayer often as a walking meditation in times of need.

Let nothing disturb you

let nothing frighten you

All things pass away.

God never changes.

Patience obtains all things

He who has God

finds he lacks nothing

God alone suffices.

-Teresa of Ávila

There’s a beautiful musical version you can sing along with: Nada te Turbe by Taizé.

I hope it serves to offer you solace in difficult or stressful times.

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

Transmission

How do you hold the vulnerable parts of you?

Do you have those you care about when they’re in their most vulnerable and fragile states?

Pay attention this week and see if there’s an opportunity to remind yourself or someone you love,

“I’ve got you… no matter what.”

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy xo

The Scream

There’s a place she tells me, in the southern Parnon Mountains in Kynouria.

On the path to the majestic monastery of Panagia Elona in the Peloponnese where she goes to scream.

Where her screams are relieved and harmoniously reflected back through the echoes of the mountain’s various faces.

What is this sensation of an infinite scream passing through us? Through nature? Through nature, through us?

I said, Thea, the screams that came out of me were the sounds of a woman being stabbed by a thousand daggers.

She looked at me with reverent understanding.

I see in that moment the spiritual path she paved for me to not have to seek distant mountainsides.

I see the path of present moment freedom she has fiercely created with her love for me, for her daughter, to fully feel and respond to a moment as it is through her own hardships and faith.

We’ve been sold a false interpretation of what it means for a woman to express anger and it’s sensations. What we see is an immature 15-year-old girl version.

Sacred rage is an appropriate response to the energies present in a particular moment.

The sensations of the infinite scream, whether brooding from the inside or passing through our collective unconsciousness show up in our lives from time to time.

It’s okay to let it out

and

SCREAM!

(disclaimer: let it out in healthy and safe ways)

Happy Halloween!

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

The Sea Of Your Gaze

Heart musings….

The Sea Of Your Gaze

Rest in the sanctuary of my hands.

Allowing our desires to meld in the heat of passion.

Your eyes welcoming me

in with the sea of your gaze.

I dance like the rhythm of moonlight glimmering upon your body

where my devotion softens into the rapture of your majesty.

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

Transmission

The fires of Mercy are burning.

What ember remains in your heart that’s slowly dying in the fire of Mercy?

There is Freedom in Mercy.

There is Love in Mercy.

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

below are some songs to inspire reflection on this question.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6TQeWWQMtSWFNgR7yxvcg6?si=Y_QLRczNQdKPL7pwB6-ElQ&context=spotify%3Asearch%3Afreedom%2520just&dl_branch=1

https://open.spotify.com/track/0uRMGsSsX2KORS8jkB9Lwc?si=2601_A3tShiPdOdbLT7HqA&context=spotify%3Asearch%3Awhat%2520good%2520am&dl_branch=1

Transmission

Hello dear friend,

Thank you for joining me on this journey called life.

I’m in the midst of playing around with my creative expression and the blog here. Making room for more expansion + learning.

Moving forward you’ll receive a series of messages called Transmission; land in your inbox on most Tuesdays. You’ve seen me send some of these types of notes before. Now they have a name :-)

I love, love, love receiving your emails with reactions, insights + experiences from my posts. Keep em’ coming!

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

The Longest Love Affair

In a vast flowering meadow,

the sweet scent of perfume prevails.

Seeds, naked.

Both giver and gift,

blooming of romance.

The flower.

The bee.

The longest love affair.

Today I invite you to contemplate Love from the lens of the ancient relationship between a bee and a flower.

Share your reflections in the comments below or if this landed in your inbox, click on the blog or email me your thoughts.

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

Convergence

Guided by Silence,

I follow the frequency of the spiral of shame into my body.

There, I feel the pulsating bleeding pain of my woundings.

I begin to breathe consciously into the present rhythm.

With knees on the floor

and my chest draped over the bed of my hotel room.

I cry out as the pulse intensifies.

No longer able to locate myself through wound or emotion.

I trembled in the throws of the waves of the Beloved.

My hand moves in, searching for the place to buttress the range of the powerful oscillations.

Unable to locate the root of the sensation,

my hand lay open in surrender

as the Beloved sweeps through me.

I moan through the revelation of being witnessed.

I laugh in ecstasy.

I cry out liberation.

As the pressures build from infinite directions,

the cosmic winds of the Beloved move me.

I exhale

as I am carried

into

a deep,

dark,

convergence

with the Light of my being.


What does this piece bring up for you? Share your thoughts, feelings, stories in the comments below.

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

Note For The Road

Do you hear the sounds of your embodiment?

Can you get quiet enough, present enough, to listen with such profound openness that you begin to hear the sound current of who you are, hear the breeze of the essence of your Soul reverberating among the trees?

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy xo

Not The Philosopher's Porsche

“You’re not being honest.” says my son as I’m sharing a story at dinner.

Surprised, I quickly react, What do you mean I’m not being honest? I feel like what I’m saying is true.

“Oh you’re honest, but you can be more honest.” he responds.

That summer night, this core-trembling truth (among others) was added to the inconsolable despair I had been feeling for years.

My child can see that I’m not being authentic.

Fuck. That’s painful.

What I’m sharing on the surface is true, yet there’s more,

and he sees it.

This memory came to my mind/body a few days ago as I wrote, “Where’s the end of the road?”

And I want to be more honest about what that piece was about.

It was about this porsche.

The Philosopher’s Porsche.

I had seen the car in a dream about my marriage. It symbolized adventure.

A few years later - my then husband bought it for me for my birthday. Big red bow and all.

When the mechanics went to do a couple things to get the car road certified, we got the call. You might want to come in.

The windshield needs to be removed to fix something he said. And if we do that, 99% chance it will break and will need to be replaced. Oh and take a look here…. It’s all rust and corrosion underneath this shinny surface.

Do you want to fix it to drive it or restore it to a greater state of beauty?

So the road to fully restoring the car began.

Landing at a tiny auto body shop called Cambridge Collison as the first step, I meet Manny - a car & bike artist.

The car is hers, my ex says to him.

He’s surprised.

I say to him I saw it in a dream and here it is.

He goes on to share a story of a bird that came to him after his father’s death.

I walked out of that encounter with a deep knowing that this porsche had something to do with the adventure of encounters such as this one with Manny.

I set up The Philosopher’s Porsche blog so that I could write about the process and I couldn’t get past feeling frozen in my expression for over a year until a week after my husband told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. It was the end of marriage,

All of the sudden, words began to flow.

I needed to write for my own healing.

A couple months ago I reached a point in my healing where I could feel my sense of creativity emerging.

Sitting in my backyard alone the weeks my son is with his dad, I watched a mama bird tend to her nest…. Day by day.

Until one day I could hear the baby bird.

I thought of Manny and his story.

I thought about my porsche, Grace.

I had seen images on Instagram that inspired me to want to take a different direction with the car so I checked in with the upholster Devon to see if he could bring these ideas to life. We talked about listening to the car when she came in. We felt into collaborating with a local artist to tattoo the name I gave her somewhere on her body.

Out of respect, I told my ex I’d like to complete the car without him.

His answer was no. Together or he’ll deliver the car to me complete.

I reflected and sent another message sharing more honestly about my desire to create new meaning for my car and how this for me means doing it without him. For me the journey is about communion with creation.

Over the past year I’ve learned that my creativity is much like my orgasms. Without welcoming my whole self, all emotions, all perceptions, my whole body - it’s shallow, temporary, rigid, unsatisfying and sometimes all together non-existent.

His answer was no, that I would get the car the end of August.

It’s Not The Philosopher’s Porsche after all.

I have heard that a Spartan warrior goes to war with his sword and shield. If he dies in battle, he’s buried with his shield. I learned that they do this so the soldier remembers that although he is fighting, his first job is to protect and losing his sword before he loses his shield is a demonstration that he had his priorities straight. Being buried with their shield is honouring this devotion.

I share this with you today because I think that sometimes we get so busy fighting that we forget to start with protecting our hearts, protecting what really matters to us.

That letting go of the Porsche for me was protecting my heart, my creative nature that has become so precious to me, protecting the sanctity of my healing process.

It’s Not The Philosopher’s Porsche after all.

It’s not clear to me if it’s the end of the road for me and Grace (that’s her name) but it feels so out of integrity for me to say this is my porsche when it’s really not.

Maybe it will be at the end of August, I don’t know.

I appreciate all if you so much for being on this journey with me as I learn to be more of me.

I hope it inspires you to look inside and make the hard choices to protect what matters most to you by being more honest, with yourself and others. Our culture makes this difficult, it’s not just you. You’re not alone.

“The way of love is never simple, or easy.” - Rainier Wylde

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

Where's the end of the road?

Sometimes the end of the road of a project, a job, a relationship, a book is when it has served in elevating my Soul.

It may not always be reading the whole book, seeing a project to completion, or t’ill death do us part.

Most often it’s not what I expected.

The road is infinite — as are the signs of its endings.

I come to recognize those endings through consciousness and love.

Through observing myself at the deepest levels.

Through attempting to be honest with myself and others…… or at least by not lying.

Through authenticity and expression.

Through understanding and healing my wounding and past traumas.

Through choosing something fully.

Through owning my dreams and desires and my deepest longings.

Through the manifestation of my self worth.

Through my sovereignty.

Through prayer.

Through tending to both the outer and inner aspects of completions.

Through fully feeling my big beautiful feelings.

Through my willingness to follow the inner impulses of my callings.

The road is infinite as are the signs of its endings.

Knowing when the road has fully served me is a sacred, sacred process.

One that I’m cultivating communion and compassion with.

With Love + Reverence,

Billy

You are Mother

This week’s musing.

You are Mother.

You are both

Mother

and

Mystery.

Fully embodied,

wildly erotic

emanation manifest.

The formless river of being,

sacred in your namelessness.

You are the song of the reddish-brown thrush

and

the frequency of silence reverberating among the trees.

You are both

elated revelation

and

the eternal unknowing.

You are

all paths.

You are

The Way.

.

.

This past week I’ve been comtemplating questions around the archetype of Mother in my life and how that relates to what is going on in and around me.

Who is she? What does she represent for me, family, community? How can I embody her beauty and compassion with greater integrity? Where do I project her inadequacies out onto others as a result of my unmet needs? What would I need from my inner Mother to help me feel safe, held, and heard? Is there perhaps space for greater acceptance and forgiveness of my own mother? What personal responsibilities am I abdicating as Mother, that are keeping me from maturation? How can I as Mother use my voice in service to the Highest Good? Where is she needed right now?

I believe the world, humanity, is calling for mothering in the deepest most revered form of her essence.

The Divine Mother.

I invite you to reflect and think about some of these questions yourself. No matter your orientation, we all have a mother within us.

Remember, lean into the questions, live into them through observation, awareness, introspection and feeling.

As always, please share your thoughts, feelings and reflections in the comments on the blog.

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy



Kim Krans - The Archetype Deck

Kim Krans - The Archetype Deck

On Truth

Contemplation on Truth…

Telling the truth is damn hard and uncomfortable.

Like coming across the clarity of a golconda diamond,

when someone comes into your life that’s willing to go into the discomfort with you and do what it takes to tell the truth,

I hope you’re awake enough to know that this is a rare find.

With Deep Love + Reverence,

Billy

“If we refuse to reveal what is true for us, our connections with others will remain stuck at the personality level, and the deeper flow of vital energy will dry up. Telling the truth is wonderfully restorative — the best tonic for a relationship there is.””
— John Welwood